Still Mommy

So, I have to say that by far the worst thing about this whole cancer/chemo scenario is the effect it has on Chase. I mean, he's been fairly tolerant of all of the crazy things that have happened so far, like Mommy being stuck in the hospital for 5 days and having to go there to see her. He has been completely unphased by the bald look. He's even been okay with the 48 hour no-contact after chemo thing. How could he not when he gets extra time with Grangran or Grandaddy? I think he's reached his limit this week, though. On Monday, he went for his 15 month appointment which included his chicken pox, MMR, and flu vaccines. These vaccines all happen to be given as live viruses. The pediatrician tells Chris that since I'm getting ready to do another round of chemo that I shouldn't have any physical contact with him for at least ten days. TEN DAYS?!? Are you for real?!? Do you understand that he is not old enough (thank goodness!) to fully grasp what's going on? I mean, I can say to him, "Chase, honey, Mommy's immune system is weakened from the chemotherapy that is hopefully shrinking her tumor and since you got your shots, that means that I'm not allowed to touch you until next Thursday." How much of that does he actually understand? Hmmm... "Chase, Mommy..." then he thinks "Yes, please!" On Friday, he had enough of 'Mommy from afar' so he taught himself how to climb onto the couch so he could sit with me. What else could I do but go and put on socks, pants, and long sleeves for a little snuggle? And when I was sitting on the floor tonight and he ran up to me, threw his arms around my neck, and squeezed, could I do the smart thing and gently lead him away? Nope! I squeezed right back. So of course, I get a week's worth of pent up hugs tonight. The more I read, the more I think that somebody was just being overcautious. All I know is that come Thursday night, I am wrapping that boy up in the biggest hug and planting smooches all over that sweet face of his!

Round Two *ding ding*

Round two of chemo and all done in one day! Woohoo! Started with a finger prick to check my blood levels and they were all looking pretty good. Met with the doctor and finally heard the news from her (instead of reading medical notes on my own!) that there is no cancer in my bones or in my bone marrow! It's all confined to the "very large mass" in my abdomen. With this information, she was able to stage me: 1E. The 1 means that it is only effecting one set of lymph nodes, or in my case, one organ not of the lymph system. The E stands for "extralymphatic organ involvement." So, again, I'm extremely lucky because we found it so early!

Chemo was much smoother today. They had all of my stuff set up already, so as soon as they got the clear from the doctor, I was able to start. Got my saline and Benadryl, had a nice visit with Patricia (who brought me breakfast!), then took a nice nap. Thanks, Benadryl! They started with the Rituxan this time since it took so long last time. Still a three hour drip, but that's MUCH faster than before! Got my push of the chemo drugs that I'm on followed by a hour drip of Cytoxan. I was actually home by quarter after 4! Huge relief since last time I was there until quarter after 5 and had to go back for more the next day! 

I also had a doll to keep me company this time. She was a big help, cuddling with me while I napped and just being there all day. This doll came from a very special girl that I have the privilege of knowing. She is just amazing and has overcome so many obstacles in her life already. She had multiple surgeries when she was younger and this doll kept her company through them. When she found out that I have cancer, she sent her to me with the reminder that we can do anything we set our minds to. She is truly an inspiration!

Thanks, Morgan!!!

Baldilocks

As my hair has been thinning, I kept thinking to myself "this reminds me of somebody..." I couldn't for the life of me figure out who, though. Then it hit me! Jack Nicholson! Wait, Jack Nicholson? Oh, no, not happening!

So when Chris got home from work this morning, I asked him to shave my head. It was actually much more of a relief than I realized it would be. I was able to shower without dealing with gobs of hair. I got ready for work without needing to sweep the bathroom 3 times. I was pleasantly surprised to find that my head is not grossly misshapen, though it is extremely white! And I was so glad that Chris agreed to do it for me because 1) I would've had no idea where to even start, 2) I know he likes to be able to do things to help me through this, and 3) he made it pretty fun! Love that husband of mine!

So I am officially bald! I was thinking that when I wrote this post, it would be called "Bald/Bawled... Not a Coincidence" but I didn't shed one tear today over my hair. And with the recent Hats and Hugs party, I was able to keep it warm with a super cute hat! Here's the new Baldilocks look:

Hats and Hugs

I could NOT believe what happened today! I headed down to Mom's house for a "Pampered Chef party" and walked into a house full of people shouting "surprise!" Turns out that my fabulous sister-in-law planned a surprise Hats and Hugs party for me! I was surrounded by friends, coworkers, my old teachers, family, my former and current administrators... I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of people who came out to support me. It was unbelievable to me that of all of the people who spent the afternoon with me, they had all read my blog. So a HUGE thank you to everyone who came today. I am so grateful to have each of you in my life, and I love all of my hats! My bald head will never be cold thanks to you all, and if I ever have moments when I feel down, all I'll have to do is think of today and all of the love and support that I have from you all and I'll be over the moon!

New 'Do

So Chris talked me into getting my hair cut short instead of shaving it all off. On my way to school, I called Sharon Miller, who has been doing my hair for seven years now. I asked if there was any way that she could get me in this afternoon and she said that her next available appointment was Thursday. When I told her what was going on, though, she told me that she would stay late and to come in at 7 tonight. After work, I looked online and printed some pictures of what I thought I might like (or be able to tolerate, since I was fairly certain that I would never like a short cut!) Then I went to Sharon, told her what I had in mind, then let her work her magic. I swear, she knows what I want done with my hair even when I don't! She clipped and clipped and clipped and I watched as my hair fell to the floor. It really looked like a small animal lying there:

When she showed me the finished product, I couldn't have been happier! Yes, my hair is short. Yes, it will take some getting used to. But I'm really glad Chris talked me into doing it this way because I'm really liking this new 'do. It's very cute and still has a little bit of length to it. And from what Sharon said, it might not fall out as fast because she cut a lot of the weight off. Here's a before and after pic:

before

after

Not only did I end up with a shorter, lighter cut that I love, but Sharon wouldn't let me give her a penny for her work. She said she was happy to be able to do something to help me and wouldn't even accept the tip that I tried to give her. I have always loved going to Sharon because she is such a nice person and has always taken great care of me and my hair, but I never expected her to do something like this for me. We hugged, I cried (I seem to be doing that a lot lately!), she cried, and I left feeling better than I had all day. If anyone ever needs a new hair stylist, let me give you her number. She is beyond amazing!!!

Hair Loss

To be perfectly honest, this was the thing I was dreading most about chemo: losing all of my hair. I've always loved my hair. I've loved doing different things with it, trying new styles, playing around with braids or clips. Not having hair kind of limits your options on those things. So on Saturday, when my hair started falling out, I thought it was a joke. Why? Because it didn't start with the hair on my head. Now, my oncologist told me that I was going to lose all of my body hair. I'm not sure why, but it didn't register then that she meant all of my body hair. I'm sure you can imagine my shock when the first hairs to really start falling out were in my girlie area. And I'm sure you can imagine the laughter that followed when I told Chris! On Monday, though, it wasn't quite as funny because along with losing those hairs, I was starting to shed a little from my head as well. Nothing huge, just a little more than normal. Then when I woke up this morning and took my hair out of my ponytail, this came with it:

Most of you know that I've been joking about this from the beginning. I mean, it's inevitable, there's nothing I can do to stop it, so why waste time getting upset. Well, I got upset. Not bawling hysterically upset, but tearing up and going to Chris for a hug upset. I challenge anyone staring at a handful of their hair to do something different, though! So I get over it, get in the shower, and guess what? MORE hair. And not just a couple of strands, clumps. So I decide that this is going to be my last morning with hair. I wash it, condition it, dry it, style it, and say my goodbyes. I'm going to have Chris shave the rest off this afternoon. I'm not going to let cancer take my hair from me. I'll be the one to take it, thank you very much!

Obstructed View

It's been a few days since I've been on here. This is mainly due to the fact that I went back to work this week. When I get home, all I want to do is spend time with Chase until it's time for bed and then we both crash. Today was a bit different, though, because I had to go for my bone scan. My oncologist recommended this because my PET scan showed some "questionable spots" on my spine. In speaking with her, she seems to think that it's the tumor pressing against my spine, but just to be sure, she ordered this test. It was actually pretty easy, just time consuming. I went at 11 for my injection of radioactive material. Three hours later, I went back for the actual scan. The scan didn't even take a full hour. The worst part about it was that the machine starts over your face and is very close. Can you say 'claustrophobia?' Not going to lie, I kept my eyes shut until the nurse told me that my head was out! And I ended up having to go back in twice more because the images of my ribcage were blurry. Can you guess what could possibly have caused the obstructed view?!? She ended up having to turn the machine so that it imaged through the side of my chest instead of the top. When I was all finished, the nurse told me she'll probably see me again. She's the same one who did my initial MUGA scan and said that usually during the course of chemo, they do at least one more MUGA scan to make sure your heart is still functioning the way it should. At least if I have to keep doing this, I know I'm in good hands!

Good News/Bad News

I went back to the doctor today and had my blood drawn. Things are looking really good. My white cell count was actually high (most likely from the Neulasta shot) which is good news. She was able to prescribe me something for this lovely heartburn (which I'll take over other possible side effects!) I go back next week for more blood work (this will be a weekly occurrence throughout my treatment) then on the 26th for my next round of chemo. So that's the good news.

Now, let me preface this next part with I don't want to use this blog as an outlet to complain, but I really feel I must. Chemo is not cheap. Not even a little bit. There are tons of organizations out there that provide financial assistance. I've been looking into them, researching, applying. Today, we found out that we make too much money to qualify for any of them. We made $930 too much last year. $930. Seriously?!? So because my husband has a good job, I have a good job, and I work a second job to help keep up with rising bills, we get no help. Something about that just seems horribly wrong. Or maybe it's just me...

3 Days Later...

Today was a great day! Absolutely wonderful. And when you read about it, you'll probably say to yourself, "Don't you remember complaining about days like this not too long ago?" Well, yes, but the fact that I was able to do it all and feel really good while doing it all has me in the best mood! Here's how it went:
Got up around 8:30, which is sleeping way in for me. Wandered out to the living room, said good morning to my boys, then made breakfast. Sat on the couch with my boys and watched the newest episode of Merlin (which, if you don't already watch, you should!) Did five (count them, FIVE!) loads of laundry, all washed, dried, and put where they belong. Trying not to dwell on the sheets and comforter still out there waiting their turn... Had a surprise visit from a good friend who always makes my day brighter! Then coerced Chris into cleaning out the back room. It's been on our to-do list for far too long and I am so glad that it's done. Chris decided to go play with Chase in the living room (which is the best thing to listen to: Daddy being silly and Chase laughing his head off!) and I organized all of my scrapbooking paraphernalia (which was long overdue!) Then I came into the living room with my stacks of pictures and instead of organizing them, Chase came and sat with me and we just looked through them all and talked about them. Who was in the picture, where we were, what was happening. He was rapt! Might be busting out the scrapbooks in place of stories every once in a while... The best part of my day, though, was when I realized that my 48 hours of snuggle-free time was over! Let me tell you, I made up for those 2 days of not being able to give Chase his bath and cuddle him while he falls asleep. Chris came to check on us because 45 minutes after bath time started, we were still laughing and splashing and having so much fun! And we fell asleep on the couch together, which I feel like we haven't done in forever. So with a goodnight kiss for my son and one from my husband, my day is over. Three days after my first chemotherapy treatment and I am feeling blessed. I know that it won't always be like this, that there will be hard days, but if I can manage to squeeze enough days like this in, I will be extremely grateful!

Pills, Pills, Pills

So as I'm eating breakfast this morning, I stop to count the pills that I'm taking. Guess. Just guess how many pills I take each morning. 13. 13! And I take 5 more in the evening. Ugh. At least some of them are only for a few days following treatment and then I'll get a break for a couple weeks.

Went back to the oncologist again today for my Neulasta shot (another crazy expensive thing... is nothing about this cheap?!?) The shot is supposed to stimulate my bone marrow to start making white blood cells since the chemo is killing the ones I already have. This is supposed to reduce my risk of infections, which is great! Was thrilled to find out that it's administered through my belly. Actually wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be, though. They warned me that my bones and joints might start to feel achy, but 4 hours later and I'm still feeling pretty good! Just hoping it stays this way.

Round 1 Part 2 *less enthusiastic ding ding*

So after having hardly any side effects, I was up with heartburn all night. It was like being pregnant again while I sat upright in the recliner with a cup of apple juice! The nurse said that it's a normal reaction and should only last a day or two.

I got hooked back up and finished my Rituxan. Nothing out of the ordinary this time and was able to be infused a little faster since they had started it yesterday.

1 round down, 7 to go!

Friends

I can't even begin to thank all of my family and friends for the support that they've given me through all of this so far. Kind words, hugs, and smiles have made all the difference and I am so very grateful for it all. I've also got a few things that have helped me through some of the harder parts:

I've also got some very pretty angels that keep me company on my doctor's visits. Thank you all again. I really don't know what I would do without all of you!

As far as family, I've always known how amazing mine is, but they continue to show it on a daily basis. From Chris going with me at 9:30 am to the Cancer Institute and sitting with me until 5:30 pm when they finally discharged me (and offering to shave his head when my hair falls out!), to my parents who keep Chase happy while I can't be there and put him to bed until I'm allowed to snuggle him again (just a few days!), to my inlaws who offer strength and support, I am by far the luckiest woman in the world!

Round 1 *ding ding*

Today is my first day of treatment. I'm nervous as anything because I'm not sure how my body will react to it. I keep getting a little teary and I honestly can't tell you why. I know that this is the first step in getting my body healthy and that's exactly what I want, but I can't help but feel a bit apprehensive. And get this: it's the  fourth day of the New Year, my first doctor visit of the New Year, and I've already met my insurance deductible. Crazy expensive!

Before I started my treatment, I met with Dr. Choksi. She reconfirmed my diagnosis of Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma and outlined my treatment plan (6-8 rounds of chemotherapy, every 3 weeks). She also discussed safety around Chase and general safety rules. It's really not as bad as I thought it would be. She repeated a few times that it is very possibly curable, but suggested a possible bone marrow transplant after treatment is over since I’m so young. Let's get through this before we start worrying about that, though!

When I finished with Dr. Choksi, she brought me back to the infusion room. I sat in a surprisingly comfortable recliner while the nurse accessed my port. 

She drew blood from it, flushed it, then started my treatment:

• Aloxi to prevent nausea and vomiting
• Dexamethasone, a steroid that fights adverse reactions
• Benadryl and Tylenol to prevent allergic reactions
• Adriamycin, the "big guns" of chemotherapy and bright red
• Cytoxan, a chemotherapy that inhibits DNA synthesis
• Vincristine Sulfate, a chemotherapy that blocks tumor synthesis
• Rituxan, a protein that interferes with cancer cell growth

The Rituxan is normally a 4 hour drip, but they give it even slower the first time to make sure that there are no reactions to it. At one point, they had to stop the drip for a few minutes because my heart rate had increased. It was back to normal in less than 5 minutes and I was able to continue the infusion. Since it was given so slowly, it was not finished, so I'll go back again tomorrow morning for the rest of it. They removed the needle for the night and will re-access my port in the morning.

I'm feeling pretty good, all things considered. A little tired, a bit of a headache, but really feel the way I normally do when I sit around all day! I can only hope that I can keep feeling this way!