Chemo and Cold Sores Don't Mix!

Nice, right? And before it's through, the little one on the
right connected with the big one on the left... UGH!

So it's the end of the school year. Time to say goodbye to my little darlings. Also time to print all of the graphs I've made on them throughout the year to put in their portfolios, put together their portfolios for next year's teacher, shred all of the work that can't be sent home and doesn't go in the portfolio, check their cumulative folders and add my notes and reports, pack up everything in my room so that it can be cleaned, pack up the center of the pod so it can be cleaned, get everything signed off on and turned in so that my summer can begin. Did I mention that I still have kids to teach while I do this? Needless to say, I get a little stressed at the end of the year. And when I get stressed, I get a cold sore. Every year at this time, I get a cold sore!

This time, it started a little early because my last round of chemo was the Thursday before the last day of school. So there's 4 days of school left, and I'm only going to be there for 2 of them. ACK! So the lovely thing starts to bubble up on Wednesday. I start a counterattack with Abreva (I swear by that stuff!) and things are going like normal. On Friday, I get a little circle on the right side of my chin. It doesn't look or feel like a cold sore, so I leave it alone thinking I scratched myself. By Sunday, the thing  is taking over my face (though it was only half the size that it is in the picture... eesh!) On Thursday, I go for my normal bloodwork and my white count is way low again (0.7, which explains why this thing got so bad), so I have to see the doctor. She sees the growth on my face and prescribes Zovirax.

Let me tell you a little something about Zovirax... First off, if we hadn't met our deductible for the year back in February, I wouldn't have gotten it. It normally costs $507! So I'm thinking this stuff is going to have my face cleared up in the next day or so. Boy, was I wrong! It's a pretty thick cream, but when you apply it to your face, it turns watery and drips. Well, if you know anything about the virus that causes cold sores, you know that it's extremely contagious. So the drips cause it to spread. Now not only is it on the front of my chin where it started, but it's spreading across my chin and under my jawline! Me? NOT HAPPY! I finally get it to stop trying to take over my face, but it's not getting any better. Two and a half weeks after the first appearance is way more than I can handle, so I take matters into my own hands. I take the hottest shower I can handle and get all the crusties off, then I cover every pink part of my face with Neosporin. Basically my whole chin and under my jaw are slimed with the stuff. And guess what? It worked! It's only been a few days, but I haven't had that nasty, crusty mess or the pain that comes with it. I'm very pink, bordering on red, and I sometimes remind myself of a clown because it's all under my mouth, but I am a much happier camper than I was a few days ago.

Now I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting. PET scan next week, though, which means I'm closer to knowing what's next!

Round 8 *ding ding*

I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it!

Now that I got that out, today was round 8 of 8! I am done with chemo!!! My counts were looking good, so I got the go-ahead to finish. I spoke with my oncologist beforehand about some numbness I have in my right hand. Before, I had tingling in my fingertips. Now, I have no feeling in my index and middle fingers. It makes getting my blood draw nice because I can't feel it at all, but it gets frustrating when I'm trying to type or write or pick something up and drop it because I didn't have a good grip. She said it's a normal side effect of the vincristine and since it's my last round, she didn't want to change my dosage. She said to try not to worry too much about it because it's usually temporary (phew!) She also scheduled my follow-up for my PET scan. Scan on June 26th then meeting with the oncologist and the radiological oncologist on July 3rd (just in case she suggests radiation therapy so that I can ask questions). Here's my thing, though: if by some miracle the chemo didn't make me sterile, the radiation will, so is surgery an option? Her answer: yes! She even suggested that I call and make an appointment with the gynecological oncologist who did my early testing (yes, the one with the Bieber haircut!) because he does hysterectomies. She said to make the appointment now so I don't have to wait come July. So best case scenario: my cancer's all gone and I don't have to do anything else. Worst case scenario: my cancer's mostly gone and I get a hysterectomy. Let me tell you, I'm not very upset about that. You're taking out the only parts of me that had cancer? It'll make my probability of recurrence go down? No more periods? Sign me up!

My time in the chair was pretty short today. They had me in and out by 2:30, the earliest yet! I had some really nice conversations with some of the ladies in the other chairs. We had the nurses rolling! We were talking about how our hair was starting to come back, how it made us worry that the chemo wasn't working, how one of the ladies tried false eyelashes and couldn't understand how some people did that every day, how unfair it was that I'm still shaving my legs! After they left, two more ladies came in and I got to talk with them about school because they both worked in the school system here before they started treatment. I had some really fantastic conversations with the nurses about their children and some other things. It made me realize that I'm going to miss them. I knew from the beginning how wonderful they were, but I thought I'd be so happy to be done with chemo that I wouldn't miss anything about it. I was wrong. I told them that I still had appointments every week for my CBC and that I lived close enough to visit. They weren't getting rid of me that easily!

Down for the Count

Before I start, I have to say that I have been SO lucky so far. I made it through 7 treatments with only one cold (which was no fun), but working with germy little kids all day, it could have been MUCH WORSE. Right after round 7, Chase got a stomach bug from his cousin and it was also going around school. I had 7 kids out with it. Needless to say, I couldn’t resist anymore.

I stayed after school late on Tuesday for a training (which was fantastic!) and was feeling fine. After I got home, I was feeling a little tired, but I figured that was just because I had such a long day at school. Wednesday morning, I woke up at 5 puking my brains out. Needless to say, I put in for a sub and stayed home, hoping for a 24 hour bug that would pass quickly. I slept in 2 hour increments all day, waking up to get sick before falling back asleep again. Water and juice wouldn’t even stay down. I was able to keep down a little sip of Gatorade each time I got up, but that was it.

Thursday, I woke up and was still getting sick. Called in for a sub again then took my temperature. It was 100.3 (I don’t ever get a fever!) My oncologist told me that if it ever got over 100.5 to call. Since I was close but not over, I just went back to sleep. When I woke up 2 hours later, I checked it again and it was 102.4 so I called the doctor. When I told them everything that was going on, they asked if I could come in right away. Well, right away ended up being 45 minutes later because I was getting sick again. Fun, fun! I get to the office and the first thing they do is give me a mask because they don’t want me sharing my germs with the other cancer patients. They do my weekly blood draw then I hear the nurses discussing my results. I didn’t catch much, but I did hear the word ‘critical’ more than once. Never a good sign! Then they bring me back to see the doctor (who I only see before my treatment… another not-so-good sign!) She tells me that my white count is 0.76 (3-4 is considered normal in chemo patients, hence one ‘critical’ comment), my pulse was 157 (hence another ‘critical’ comment), and that she wants me to go to the hospital. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I do NOT want to go back into the hospital. Isn’t there anything else we can do? She went and checked their stock of antibiotics, thinking that they could maybe give them to me there, as well as a potassium and magnesium infusion since those counts were ‘critically’ low as well. They didn’t have what she wanted me on, so she sent me to the hospital. As much as I hated being in there, I’m really glad that I went. I was feeling very weak and had lost 11 pounds in 2 days because of the whole getting sick thing. The first thing they did was hook me up to IV fluids (through my port… I’m not sure if I’ve ever said how glad I am that I have that!). By 7 that night, I was feeling so much better. I hadn’t thrown up in 6 hours, though my stomach was still upset. The nurses took another blood sample, and my white count had increased slightly.

On Friday, I woke up feeling like myself again. My primary care doctor and my oncologist both came and visited me. I was told that I would have to stay until my white count was over 2.5. Boo! So I spent the day in bed doing school work. I made Chris go to Disney because it was opening day of Star Wars Weekends and there were some pins that he wanted. Our original plan was to go as a family with both sets of grandparents on Friday and stay til Sunday. My hospital stay ruined that, but I wasn’t about to let him miss out on the pins if he could go! I had Game Show Network on all day, and let me tell you, I would SO win some big money if I went on a game show!

The best medicine!

Saturday, my white count was 1.85, so still on the rise. Things can never be easy, though, so my hemoglobin dropped to 7. The oncologist came in and said that she was happy with my white count, but asked me if I was feeling tired or cold. Nope! I guess those are the symptoms of a low red count. She said that a red cell transfusion could be done, but since I’m so young, they don’t want to do that if they don’t have to. I also told her that I hadn’t had my iron supplement since Tuesday, so she started me back on that. She also took me off of IV fluids since I was able to keep down food and drink, so I was able to shower. I don’t know why, but showering makes me feel so much better! I was missing Chase like crazy, so Chris’s parents brought him up to the hospital to visit me. I had to wear a mask when I was with him, but it was so totally worth it! That has to be the worst thing about being in the hospital: missing my boy. I know he is in such good hands with either of his grandparents, but that doesn’t stop me missing him. When he was ready to leave, it took a lot for me not to demand that I be allowed to leave with him! Late Saturday night, I get a phone call from Chris. Guess who has the stomach bug now? I hate that I’m not there to take care of him when he’s feeling so crummy. He tells me that he’s not going to come to the hospital because he doesn’t want me to get it again (for which I’m very thankful!) I’m also very thankful that Chase is still with Grandma and Grandpa so he won’t get the bug back!

Sunday, my white count is 3.89. I’m busting out of this joint! Major bummer, though: the doctor and the oncologist both tell me that I shouldn’t stay at home until Chris isn’t sick anymore. I finish my book while I’m waiting to be discharged (why does that always seem to take forever?!?) Mom drives me home so I can grab work clothes, my meds, and a few other essentials before I go to sleepover camp at Mom and Dad’s. I got them to watch Star Wars with me, so that was fun! I also had my dinner of choice and one of my Dad’s delicious cakes, so it wasn’t too bad (even though I missed my husband and my bed!)

On Monday, I went back to work. My principal came through my room to ‘see if it was true.’ My response: ‘Huh?’ He explained that he heard I got out of the hospital yesterday and was back at work today and he didn’t believe it. He called me ‘amazing’ more than once (which I’m not, but it was nice to hear!) He also said that I’m crazy because I told him that I would’ve been there with my IV pole if they would’ve let me. I just hate missing school, especially this time of year because I’ve got so much to do with them. I got Chase back on Monday afternoon, which made the day even better! We got his playpen and he joined in our sleepover. Dad bought him a pair of Crocs, which he insisted on wearing with his pajamas while boogying along with Dancing with the Stars.

Tuesday, I finally get the news I’m waiting for. Chris is feeling better, his fever is gone, and he’s not getting sick anymore. We’re going home!!! As much as I love my parents, I was so happy to be back in my bed, using my shower, with all of my things. Most of all, though, I was ecstatic to have my family together again! I hate when this cancer takes time away from us being together. I understand that sometimes it’s necessary, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it!

Round 7 *ding ding*

Round 7 actually starts on my favorite non-holiday day of the year: May the 4th. May the 4th be with you! (I wait all year to be able to use that!) Anyway, after 3 more rounds of chemo, my oncologist scheduled me for another CT scan to see how things were progressing. I wouldn't get my results until the following Thursday when I met with her. Well, knowing that as soon as she signs off on the paperwork, I can view it online, I snuck a peek on Monday. BIG MISTAKE! I read the report which showed that the measurements from the March scan were 6.4 x 5.9 x 5.3 cm and the measurements from the May scan were 6.3 x 5.1 x 5.4 cm. Needless to say, I freaked out a bit! I mean, if it's not working, why am I even doing it? And more importantly, if it's not working, it makes me so angry that I've been giving up all this time with Chase. And what happens now? Surgery? Radiation? Different chemo? Ugh...

Well, Thursday came and I got my finger stuck then made my way back to see the doctor. Imagine my shock when she was happy with the results! She started by pointing out that it's not growing and that it hasn't moved anywhere else. Then she tells me that the measurement isn't the size of the tumor, it's the size of my uterus. Apparently, the first and last numbers are pretty close to normal and the middle one is the one that shrank the most, so she felt that was a positive. She also reminded me that I have fibroid tumors which can also be causing the abnormal middle measurement. She recommended another PET scan (which won't happen until June because insurance only covers one every three months... GRR!) She said that will give us a much clearer understanding of what's going on because it actually measures the cancer cells and their activity. When I asked her what we'd do if the PET scan showed that the chemo didn't work, she said she'd rather not worry about that unless it becomes an issue. Yet another big relief! And she kept May 31st as my last chemo treatment, so YAY for that!!! The scan also showed that I have hydronephrosis in my left kidney. Basically, my kidney isn't draining the way it should. When she brought that up, I told her my three months was almost up for my next stent exchange. Really looking forward to that...

Chemo went well. Same old, same old (which I am totally NOT complaining about!)

Day after, I slept til 8, cleaned out my closet (top to bottom) and all of my drawers, and spent time trying to ward off my son (which you all know how much I hate!) It was especially hard today because he gave me my Mother's Day present early. He and Chris had been looking at some things online and he got really excited about this pair of Mickey earrings and a matching necklace. Chris said the ones he picked out were red, but he got the blue ones because it's Chase's birthstone. I LOVE THEM!!! And Chase was so proud! He brought me the box, let me open it, and kept pointing at them and going "oooooh!" Then when I took them out, he took the earrings and held them up to his ear, then mine, then his, then mine. He also showed me where the necklace goes. He about breaks my heart, though, when he tries to give me a kiss and I have to tell him no. So today, we blew kisses to each other instead. He seemed pretty happy with that! Only 18 more hours until I can get my hands on him and smooch him to pieces!

Got my shot at 3 and that really slowed me down, as usual. Was able to run to the store, make dinner, and put away the dishes before the ache set in. Took some Tylenol and got good and comfy on the couch, which really makes a difference! Chris even got out the heating pad and hooked it up on my side of the bed, just in case I need it during the night. Sometimes I really don't know how I got so lucky!

Round 6 *ding ding*

Another uneventful round... yippee! And only two more to go, so hooray for that, too!

I did meet with the doctor before my treatment and she's scheduled another CT scan on May 4th, so we'll have even more information about how it's responding soon.

I am most definitely over the 48 hour no-touch thing, though. Chase doesn't understand, so he climbs up on the couch next to me, tries to snuggle and kiss me, and I have to have Chris come take him away. It's BY FAR the worst thing about this whole situation. It'll be over soon, though, and that's what I keep reminding myself.

Round 5 *ding ding*

Round 5 can be summed up in two words: uneventful and over! I met with the doctor, she was pleased that I was feeling better and had a voice again. My counts were good, so I got hooked up. The nurses have me down to a routine now, so it's pretty easy. I was actually out by 3:15 today, which is the earliest I've ever been finished! In all, I'm feeling pretty good. Have to go back for my shot tomorrow, which changes things a bit, but I'm feeling like I'm getting much closer to the end.

I did have a nice conversation with one of the nurses about my hair situation. See, the hair on my head is growing. Not a lot, but it's prickly and there's enough that it sticks to my scarf or hat, so I've taken to just going bald. It honestly doesn't bother me the way I thought it would, but I'm careful to cover it if I'm going to be in the sun long. I really don't want to burn my dome! But I was also telling her that I still have to shave my legs, and she was totally with me about how unfair that is! I mean, that's supposed to be one of the few perks of chemo, right? Me and my body need to have a serious talk...

And Mom reminded me that I never posted the results of my PET scan! The first scan showed that the cells were metabolizing at a rate of 15-19 (what, I don't know) and the second scan showed that the metabolic rate dropped to 5. YAY! More good news showing that things are working. The only thing that I'm not thrilled about is a small nodule on my thyroid that wasn't present on the first scan. They seem to think it's a goiter, but my oncologist ordered some blood tests just to be on the safe side. She's not too concerned about it, so I'm going to try not to be, either.

Get Down with the Sickness

(I stole a page from Chrissy's book and used a song title for my post title... it's too fun not to!)

They warned me before I started treatments that it would be much harder to fight off a cold and they weren't kidding! I started feeling sick on St. Patrick's Day. Like sick sick. The week leading up to that, I was certain it was just allergies. Then we take Chase to get his hair cut, go out to breakfast, and by the time we get home, I've got a slight fever and my throat is killing me. So Chase and I kick back and have a lazy day of watching classic Disney movies (read: Mommy puts on the movies and falls asleep on the couch while he destroys the living room! It was pretty funny to watch him dancing to the songs from the Jungle Book, though.) By Tuesday, my voice is gone. Thursday morning comes and I'm still feeling awful (which is very unusual for me; usually 3 days, 5 tops, and I'm back to myself) so I call the doctor. They have me come in early for my bloodwork so that I can see the doctor. She tells me my throat is very inflamed but there aren't any signs of strep (yay!) and prescribes a Z-pack. Now, I've heard all about these Z-packs from friends and they're supposed to be A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! So I'm thinking this thing'll be gone by Saturday, Sunday at the very latest. Oh, guess who was wrong again?!? I literally had NO voice. To talk, I had to whisper and it was extremely painful. I had to call out from work on Monday, which I just hate doing, especially knowing that I'm going to be out Thursday and Friday for treatment. I was not missing Tuesday because we were going on a field trip to the Tarpon Springs Aquarium, so I had to whisper my instructions to my chaperones. When I woke up today, I just knew that my voice was back! I could feel the huge lump that had been in my throat was gone and the scratchiness was down to a minimum. I would've sang, but didn't want to wake up Chase! But it took 2 weeks to kick that cold. I do not want to go through that again, so guess who's going to be the hand-washing police at school? This lady right here!

Round 4 *ding ding* Ready yourself for some Bon Jovi...

WHOAAAAAAA we're halfway there! This song has been stuck in my head all day and that is completely okay with me because 1) I'm halfway through my chemo! and 2) who doesn't love Bon Jovi???

I started my day with my Thursday finger prick. I think I've been remiss and failed to mention that each and every Thursday, I go in and get stuck so they can check my blood levels. It's not like it's horribly painful or anything like that, but it does get pretty monotonous: "Hey, Jayme, what's your name and date of birth?" (Not kidding, they address me by name but then have to ask for my name!) Go sit down and wait to get called. Wait. Wait some more. Secretary calls back and reminds them that I'm here, so someone finally comes to get me (this is the only drawback of having the last appointment of the day: they think they're already done and forget about me!) Step on the scale. Cringe. Sit down. Review current medications. No, they have not changed in the 6 days since I last saw you. Take my blood pressure. Cringe (though actually, it's been really good lately!). Stick the thermometer in my hear. Ask for the reading because they never offer to tell you. Have my finger milked like a cow's udder. Here comes the stick; don't look! Always look at the last minute because that's how I roll. Have my finger milked some more, this time with blood coming out. Try not to stare. Fail miserably. Have a gauze square put on my finger, get handed my red folder and sent on my way. EVERY THURSDAY! (Sorry, I wasn't aware that that little rant was brewing, but it feels really good to get it out!)

I had a pretty brief meeting with the oncologist (this is routine before every chemo treatment). She showed me the lab reports from my CT scan and my tumor shrunk from over 9 1/2 cm to 5 cm! She said she was hoping for more so that I'd only have to do 6 treatments, but I had been planning on 8 from the beginning, so that wasn't too disheartening. She's ordered another PET scan after the 13th (gotta love insurance!) to see what kind of "reduction in activity" the chemo is causing and that will give us more information about how well it's working! Yay for all that! I did have to bring up the numbness I have in my fingertips. This is a pretty new thing and I just wanted to make her aware that it's happening. She told me that it's a side effect of the Vencristine (one of my chemo drugs) and that if it's still happening before the next treatment, she'll have to back down the dose or else the "neuropathy can become permanent." Yikes!

I am very happy to report that round 4 was uneventful. No contortions on my part today! They used a different needle (the 1 inch) to access my port. Going in was not as quick and easy as the pop-out kind because she has to push it in until she hits the back of the port, but we had absolutely NO problems today, so I'll take that every time! I absolutely love the nurses who work there! I had some really great conversations about crafting, birthday party planning (and found out that I'm not the only one who starts planning six or more months out!), and DMB. I made a ton of yo-yos for headbands and hair clips. I graded some papers, lesson planned, graphed some data. That is one good thing about the chemo: it makes me sit down and do things that I keep putting aside! 

Success!

As much as I don't like him, Dr. Barkley was able to exchange my stent out! This was a huge relief since his last attempt had me stuck in the hospital for 5 days. This time, I was in and out in less than 5 hours! And now that it's done, I can confess how extremely nervous I really was. Those of you who know me know how superstitious I tend to be. There were so many parallels between the first procedure and this one: the doctor scheduling me first so I can get out early, an important get-together that weekend that I did not want to miss (the first time-Brennin's first birthday party, this time-Patricia and Eric's engagement party), not to mention that it was going to be on Friday the 2nd again. I had myself pretty much convinced that he wasn't going to be able to change it out and I had a plan: I was refusing the second surgery that gave me the nephrostomy tube and had me sitting around all weekend waiting for the right doctors to work their Monday-Friday hours. I was going home. I would come back on Monday and they could do whatever they needed to do, but I flat out refused to sit around the hospital all weekend! I had myself so worked up for this fight, so as I was coming out of anesthesia, the first thing I asked the nurse was, "Did it work?" She looked at me like I was a little crazy (probably because my articulation sounded more like "Di-iwor?") so I said in my slowest, clearest post-anesthesia voice, "Is the stent in?" She said, "Oh, yeah! He changed it out in less than 10 minutes." And then I fell back asleep. Some fighter I turned out to be!

So after finishing my post-op and getting released, I come home to drink 2 huge bottles of banana flavored barium sulfate. At first, it's like drinking a banana Slurpee that's separated (trust me, I know my banana Slurpees!) After the second glass, though, it's like drinking wet chalk that someone tried to flavor. Each bottle gave me 3 glasses, so you can probably guess what it was like by the end. Anyway, it could've been flavored like (insert the grossest thing you can think of here) and I still would've chugged it because it was the contrast for my CT scan! The scan went pretty smoothly and I am anxiously waiting for Thursday when I get my results! I have a good feeling about it, though, because of the success of the stent exchange. Now to just wait and try to be patient...

Urologist (No, MYologist!)

I've got to preface this with the following information: I count this doctor in the same category as Dr. Umstead. Consider yourself warned!

I had to call the urologist, Dr. Barkley, because the stent he put in (or tried to put in then had to have someone else do it four days later...) was only good for 2-3 months. Finally got an appointment with him on Monday afternoon at 3:45. I'm finally taken back at 4:15. After the preliminary stuff with the nurse, she puts me in a room. The whole time I'm in there, I can hear him talking to someone about his plans for next weekend, laughing, joking, the whole deal. At 4:55 (yes, 40 minutes after I was put in a room) he finally comes in and tells me to fill him in on what's happened since he last saw me. So I tell him. Mind you, all of this information is in all of the many pages of paperwork that I was required to come in early to fill out. He was surprised to hear that I was going through chemo and interrupted with "Are you septic?" I swear to you, I am not joking. The man asked me if I was septic. It took quite a bit of self-control not to reply with some sarcastic comment about being a total idiot and exposing the people who work for him to my toxicity. Ugh.... Anyway, he goes "Well, we're going to schedule an appointment for you to go to the hospital so we can take out the stent that's in there and put in a new one" then gets up to walk out the door a whopping 3 minutes after he came in the room. Whoa, there, buddy, I've got some questions for you! Is it inpatient or outpatient? Am I going under? Do I even need a new stent put in? I mean, you never even looked at me, so maybe the tumor's shrunk enough that I don't need one anymore. And I have a CT scan scheduled for Friday afternoon. Will I be out in time? Or am I going to get stuck in the hospital for five days again because you can't seem to figure out how to get it in? Oh, and how about the horrid pain that I have when I empty my bladder? I'm not even kidding you, by the time I caught him, we were standing in the hallway. He tells me it's outpatient, he'll schedule me first so I should be able to do the CT scan, hopefully I won't have to stay this time, and the pain is from the stent, there's nothing he can do about it. That's it.

So let me just tell you how thrilled I am about this whole situation. I mean, I know that it needs to be done. Friday will be 3 months to the day since I had the first one put in. The last thing I need is to start developing stones around the old one (which is what I was told could happen). If I had more time to play with, I would definitely be shopping around for a different urologist. At this point, though, it really needs to be done, the sooner, the better. I'm just hoping for an easier time this go-round and then the possibility of never having to deal with this guy again...

Round 3 *ding ding*

So, it's been a while since I've been on here because I've been spending every second I could making up for lost time with Chase. Aside from that, things have been pretty uneventful, which has been nice.

Round 3 started off pretty uneventfully. I met with the doctor who said things seemed to be going really well so far. She got me scheduled for a CT scan on March 2 so we can see how the tumor is responding to the chemo. Not going to lie: I'm very excited to know how things are going, but pretty nervous at the same time. After my time with her, I went over to the infusion suite and got all hooked up. It was kind of weird because it was the first time that I was there by myself. I sent Chris to Disney to get some pins that were coming out that he really wanted. It might sound terrible, but it was kind of nice to be there by myself. One of my first meds is Benadryl, so I was able to take a really good nap! Then, I spent some time talking with other patients. I usually don't do that because I'm talking with him. I met quite a few people who were on their last treatment, which was really great to hear! And everyone is just so supportive of everyone else. It's really a great feeling.

Chris came by with lunch on his way back from Disney. Not going to lie: once he got there, I realized that I missed him being there! We ate lunch together, looked through the pins he got and the pins he traded for, and just spent some nice time together.

The really fun part came when it was time for my adriamycin push. For some reason, they weren't getting a blood return from my port. I ended up with two nurses trying to get a return. They had me turning my head, stretching my neck, positioning my arms in all kinds of crazy ways, and nothing! They said that since I'm young, my body may be healing around the port. They said it's an easy fix: just go to the hospital and get some anti-clotting medicine injected into the port. Said it pretty much works like Drain-O (though that's not something I'll be trying anytime soon!) One of the nurses had one last idea: stand up, hunch my shoulders forward, put my head down, and have the other nurse press on the port. Not going to lie: it was not a very comfortable position, but when they were able to get a return, I was NOT about to move! I stood in that position for about 15 minutes while they pushed the adriamycin in. It was actually quite comical:

Friday I went back and got my Neulasta shot, which I have to say is worse than the chemo. The actual shot isn't bad, just a quick injection in my stomach, but the shot stimulates my bone marrow to start making more white cells and it makes me incredible achy. Tylenol helps, but I feel like I move really slowly. We brought Chase with us for the shot because we're usually in and out in a few minutes. Everyone made such a fuss over him! They gave him a car, a balloon, a lollipop... He's going to want to go every time if they keep this up!

Generosity

I can not believe how generous everyone has been through this process. The hat party was amazing in itself, but Corinne Young put together a fundraiser for me to help me pay for my treatments. Today she presented me with all of the cards and donations. I was overwhelmed when she told me the total: $4,000! That takes care of my next two treatments! It is such a relief to have one less thing to worry about. I am just so incredibly thankful to have such wonderful, caring people in my life. Thank you all!!!

Still Mommy

So, I have to say that by far the worst thing about this whole cancer/chemo scenario is the effect it has on Chase. I mean, he's been fairly tolerant of all of the crazy things that have happened so far, like Mommy being stuck in the hospital for 5 days and having to go there to see her. He has been completely unphased by the bald look. He's even been okay with the 48 hour no-contact after chemo thing. How could he not when he gets extra time with Grangran or Grandaddy? I think he's reached his limit this week, though. On Monday, he went for his 15 month appointment which included his chicken pox, MMR, and flu vaccines. These vaccines all happen to be given as live viruses. The pediatrician tells Chris that since I'm getting ready to do another round of chemo that I shouldn't have any physical contact with him for at least ten days. TEN DAYS?!? Are you for real?!? Do you understand that he is not old enough (thank goodness!) to fully grasp what's going on? I mean, I can say to him, "Chase, honey, Mommy's immune system is weakened from the chemotherapy that is hopefully shrinking her tumor and since you got your shots, that means that I'm not allowed to touch you until next Thursday." How much of that does he actually understand? Hmmm... "Chase, Mommy..." then he thinks "Yes, please!" On Friday, he had enough of 'Mommy from afar' so he taught himself how to climb onto the couch so he could sit with me. What else could I do but go and put on socks, pants, and long sleeves for a little snuggle? And when I was sitting on the floor tonight and he ran up to me, threw his arms around my neck, and squeezed, could I do the smart thing and gently lead him away? Nope! I squeezed right back. So of course, I get a week's worth of pent up hugs tonight. The more I read, the more I think that somebody was just being overcautious. All I know is that come Thursday night, I am wrapping that boy up in the biggest hug and planting smooches all over that sweet face of his!

Round Two *ding ding*

Round two of chemo and all done in one day! Woohoo! Started with a finger prick to check my blood levels and they were all looking pretty good. Met with the doctor and finally heard the news from her (instead of reading medical notes on my own!) that there is no cancer in my bones or in my bone marrow! It's all confined to the "very large mass" in my abdomen. With this information, she was able to stage me: 1E. The 1 means that it is only effecting one set of lymph nodes, or in my case, one organ not of the lymph system. The E stands for "extralymphatic organ involvement." So, again, I'm extremely lucky because we found it so early!

Chemo was much smoother today. They had all of my stuff set up already, so as soon as they got the clear from the doctor, I was able to start. Got my saline and Benadryl, had a nice visit with Patricia (who brought me breakfast!), then took a nice nap. Thanks, Benadryl! They started with the Rituxan this time since it took so long last time. Still a three hour drip, but that's MUCH faster than before! Got my push of the chemo drugs that I'm on followed by a hour drip of Cytoxan. I was actually home by quarter after 4! Huge relief since last time I was there until quarter after 5 and had to go back for more the next day! 

I also had a doll to keep me company this time. She was a big help, cuddling with me while I napped and just being there all day. This doll came from a very special girl that I have the privilege of knowing. She is just amazing and has overcome so many obstacles in her life already. She had multiple surgeries when she was younger and this doll kept her company through them. When she found out that I have cancer, she sent her to me with the reminder that we can do anything we set our minds to. She is truly an inspiration!

Thanks, Morgan!!!

Baldilocks

As my hair has been thinning, I kept thinking to myself "this reminds me of somebody..." I couldn't for the life of me figure out who, though. Then it hit me! Jack Nicholson! Wait, Jack Nicholson? Oh, no, not happening!

So when Chris got home from work this morning, I asked him to shave my head. It was actually much more of a relief than I realized it would be. I was able to shower without dealing with gobs of hair. I got ready for work without needing to sweep the bathroom 3 times. I was pleasantly surprised to find that my head is not grossly misshapen, though it is extremely white! And I was so glad that Chris agreed to do it for me because 1) I would've had no idea where to even start, 2) I know he likes to be able to do things to help me through this, and 3) he made it pretty fun! Love that husband of mine!

So I am officially bald! I was thinking that when I wrote this post, it would be called "Bald/Bawled... Not a Coincidence" but I didn't shed one tear today over my hair. And with the recent Hats and Hugs party, I was able to keep it warm with a super cute hat! Here's the new Baldilocks look:

Hats and Hugs

I could NOT believe what happened today! I headed down to Mom's house for a "Pampered Chef party" and walked into a house full of people shouting "surprise!" Turns out that my fabulous sister-in-law planned a surprise Hats and Hugs party for me! I was surrounded by friends, coworkers, my old teachers, family, my former and current administrators... I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of people who came out to support me. It was unbelievable to me that of all of the people who spent the afternoon with me, they had all read my blog. So a HUGE thank you to everyone who came today. I am so grateful to have each of you in my life, and I love all of my hats! My bald head will never be cold thanks to you all, and if I ever have moments when I feel down, all I'll have to do is think of today and all of the love and support that I have from you all and I'll be over the moon!

New 'Do

So Chris talked me into getting my hair cut short instead of shaving it all off. On my way to school, I called Sharon Miller, who has been doing my hair for seven years now. I asked if there was any way that she could get me in this afternoon and she said that her next available appointment was Thursday. When I told her what was going on, though, she told me that she would stay late and to come in at 7 tonight. After work, I looked online and printed some pictures of what I thought I might like (or be able to tolerate, since I was fairly certain that I would never like a short cut!) Then I went to Sharon, told her what I had in mind, then let her work her magic. I swear, she knows what I want done with my hair even when I don't! She clipped and clipped and clipped and I watched as my hair fell to the floor. It really looked like a small animal lying there:

When she showed me the finished product, I couldn't have been happier! Yes, my hair is short. Yes, it will take some getting used to. But I'm really glad Chris talked me into doing it this way because I'm really liking this new 'do. It's very cute and still has a little bit of length to it. And from what Sharon said, it might not fall out as fast because she cut a lot of the weight off. Here's a before and after pic:

before

after

Not only did I end up with a shorter, lighter cut that I love, but Sharon wouldn't let me give her a penny for her work. She said she was happy to be able to do something to help me and wouldn't even accept the tip that I tried to give her. I have always loved going to Sharon because she is such a nice person and has always taken great care of me and my hair, but I never expected her to do something like this for me. We hugged, I cried (I seem to be doing that a lot lately!), she cried, and I left feeling better than I had all day. If anyone ever needs a new hair stylist, let me give you her number. She is beyond amazing!!!

Hair Loss

To be perfectly honest, this was the thing I was dreading most about chemo: losing all of my hair. I've always loved my hair. I've loved doing different things with it, trying new styles, playing around with braids or clips. Not having hair kind of limits your options on those things. So on Saturday, when my hair started falling out, I thought it was a joke. Why? Because it didn't start with the hair on my head. Now, my oncologist told me that I was going to lose all of my body hair. I'm not sure why, but it didn't register then that she meant all of my body hair. I'm sure you can imagine my shock when the first hairs to really start falling out were in my girlie area. And I'm sure you can imagine the laughter that followed when I told Chris! On Monday, though, it wasn't quite as funny because along with losing those hairs, I was starting to shed a little from my head as well. Nothing huge, just a little more than normal. Then when I woke up this morning and took my hair out of my ponytail, this came with it:

Most of you know that I've been joking about this from the beginning. I mean, it's inevitable, there's nothing I can do to stop it, so why waste time getting upset. Well, I got upset. Not bawling hysterically upset, but tearing up and going to Chris for a hug upset. I challenge anyone staring at a handful of their hair to do something different, though! So I get over it, get in the shower, and guess what? MORE hair. And not just a couple of strands, clumps. So I decide that this is going to be my last morning with hair. I wash it, condition it, dry it, style it, and say my goodbyes. I'm going to have Chris shave the rest off this afternoon. I'm not going to let cancer take my hair from me. I'll be the one to take it, thank you very much!

Obstructed View

It's been a few days since I've been on here. This is mainly due to the fact that I went back to work this week. When I get home, all I want to do is spend time with Chase until it's time for bed and then we both crash. Today was a bit different, though, because I had to go for my bone scan. My oncologist recommended this because my PET scan showed some "questionable spots" on my spine. In speaking with her, she seems to think that it's the tumor pressing against my spine, but just to be sure, she ordered this test. It was actually pretty easy, just time consuming. I went at 11 for my injection of radioactive material. Three hours later, I went back for the actual scan. The scan didn't even take a full hour. The worst part about it was that the machine starts over your face and is very close. Can you say 'claustrophobia?' Not going to lie, I kept my eyes shut until the nurse told me that my head was out! And I ended up having to go back in twice more because the images of my ribcage were blurry. Can you guess what could possibly have caused the obstructed view?!? She ended up having to turn the machine so that it imaged through the side of my chest instead of the top. When I was all finished, the nurse told me she'll probably see me again. She's the same one who did my initial MUGA scan and said that usually during the course of chemo, they do at least one more MUGA scan to make sure your heart is still functioning the way it should. At least if I have to keep doing this, I know I'm in good hands!

Good News/Bad News

I went back to the doctor today and had my blood drawn. Things are looking really good. My white cell count was actually high (most likely from the Neulasta shot) which is good news. She was able to prescribe me something for this lovely heartburn (which I'll take over other possible side effects!) I go back next week for more blood work (this will be a weekly occurrence throughout my treatment) then on the 26th for my next round of chemo. So that's the good news.

Now, let me preface this next part with I don't want to use this blog as an outlet to complain, but I really feel I must. Chemo is not cheap. Not even a little bit. There are tons of organizations out there that provide financial assistance. I've been looking into them, researching, applying. Today, we found out that we make too much money to qualify for any of them. We made $930 too much last year. $930. Seriously?!? So because my husband has a good job, I have a good job, and I work a second job to help keep up with rising bills, we get no help. Something about that just seems horribly wrong. Or maybe it's just me...

3 Days Later...

Today was a great day! Absolutely wonderful. And when you read about it, you'll probably say to yourself, "Don't you remember complaining about days like this not too long ago?" Well, yes, but the fact that I was able to do it all and feel really good while doing it all has me in the best mood! Here's how it went:
Got up around 8:30, which is sleeping way in for me. Wandered out to the living room, said good morning to my boys, then made breakfast. Sat on the couch with my boys and watched the newest episode of Merlin (which, if you don't already watch, you should!) Did five (count them, FIVE!) loads of laundry, all washed, dried, and put where they belong. Trying not to dwell on the sheets and comforter still out there waiting their turn... Had a surprise visit from a good friend who always makes my day brighter! Then coerced Chris into cleaning out the back room. It's been on our to-do list for far too long and I am so glad that it's done. Chris decided to go play with Chase in the living room (which is the best thing to listen to: Daddy being silly and Chase laughing his head off!) and I organized all of my scrapbooking paraphernalia (which was long overdue!) Then I came into the living room with my stacks of pictures and instead of organizing them, Chase came and sat with me and we just looked through them all and talked about them. Who was in the picture, where we were, what was happening. He was rapt! Might be busting out the scrapbooks in place of stories every once in a while... The best part of my day, though, was when I realized that my 48 hours of snuggle-free time was over! Let me tell you, I made up for those 2 days of not being able to give Chase his bath and cuddle him while he falls asleep. Chris came to check on us because 45 minutes after bath time started, we were still laughing and splashing and having so much fun! And we fell asleep on the couch together, which I feel like we haven't done in forever. So with a goodnight kiss for my son and one from my husband, my day is over. Three days after my first chemotherapy treatment and I am feeling blessed. I know that it won't always be like this, that there will be hard days, but if I can manage to squeeze enough days like this in, I will be extremely grateful!

Pills, Pills, Pills

So as I'm eating breakfast this morning, I stop to count the pills that I'm taking. Guess. Just guess how many pills I take each morning. 13. 13! And I take 5 more in the evening. Ugh. At least some of them are only for a few days following treatment and then I'll get a break for a couple weeks.

Went back to the oncologist again today for my Neulasta shot (another crazy expensive thing... is nothing about this cheap?!?) The shot is supposed to stimulate my bone marrow to start making white blood cells since the chemo is killing the ones I already have. This is supposed to reduce my risk of infections, which is great! Was thrilled to find out that it's administered through my belly. Actually wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be, though. They warned me that my bones and joints might start to feel achy, but 4 hours later and I'm still feeling pretty good! Just hoping it stays this way.

Round 1 Part 2 *less enthusiastic ding ding*

So after having hardly any side effects, I was up with heartburn all night. It was like being pregnant again while I sat upright in the recliner with a cup of apple juice! The nurse said that it's a normal reaction and should only last a day or two.

I got hooked back up and finished my Rituxan. Nothing out of the ordinary this time and was able to be infused a little faster since they had started it yesterday.

1 round down, 7 to go!

Friends

I can't even begin to thank all of my family and friends for the support that they've given me through all of this so far. Kind words, hugs, and smiles have made all the difference and I am so very grateful for it all. I've also got a few things that have helped me through some of the harder parts:

I've also got some very pretty angels that keep me company on my doctor's visits. Thank you all again. I really don't know what I would do without all of you!

As far as family, I've always known how amazing mine is, but they continue to show it on a daily basis. From Chris going with me at 9:30 am to the Cancer Institute and sitting with me until 5:30 pm when they finally discharged me (and offering to shave his head when my hair falls out!), to my parents who keep Chase happy while I can't be there and put him to bed until I'm allowed to snuggle him again (just a few days!), to my inlaws who offer strength and support, I am by far the luckiest woman in the world!

Round 1 *ding ding*

Today is my first day of treatment. I'm nervous as anything because I'm not sure how my body will react to it. I keep getting a little teary and I honestly can't tell you why. I know that this is the first step in getting my body healthy and that's exactly what I want, but I can't help but feel a bit apprehensive. And get this: it's the  fourth day of the New Year, my first doctor visit of the New Year, and I've already met my insurance deductible. Crazy expensive!

Before I started my treatment, I met with Dr. Choksi. She reconfirmed my diagnosis of Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma and outlined my treatment plan (6-8 rounds of chemotherapy, every 3 weeks). She also discussed safety around Chase and general safety rules. It's really not as bad as I thought it would be. She repeated a few times that it is very possibly curable, but suggested a possible bone marrow transplant after treatment is over since I’m so young. Let's get through this before we start worrying about that, though!

When I finished with Dr. Choksi, she brought me back to the infusion room. I sat in a surprisingly comfortable recliner while the nurse accessed my port. 

She drew blood from it, flushed it, then started my treatment:

• Aloxi to prevent nausea and vomiting
• Dexamethasone, a steroid that fights adverse reactions
• Benadryl and Tylenol to prevent allergic reactions
• Adriamycin, the "big guns" of chemotherapy and bright red
• Cytoxan, a chemotherapy that inhibits DNA synthesis
• Vincristine Sulfate, a chemotherapy that blocks tumor synthesis
• Rituxan, a protein that interferes with cancer cell growth

The Rituxan is normally a 4 hour drip, but they give it even slower the first time to make sure that there are no reactions to it. At one point, they had to stop the drip for a few minutes because my heart rate had increased. It was back to normal in less than 5 minutes and I was able to continue the infusion. Since it was given so slowly, it was not finished, so I'll go back again tomorrow morning for the rest of it. They removed the needle for the night and will re-access my port in the morning.

I'm feeling pretty good, all things considered. A little tired, a bit of a headache, but really feel the way I normally do when I sit around all day! I can only hope that I can keep feeling this way!